Onward

The past few months have been challenging for me. I've been trying to find some normalcy for me and my little family after our loss. Let me tell you...it is not easy. There are some moments when I forget about my baby and for those few moments, I don't feel that incredible feeling of loss. I look forward to a time where I can think about my baby and feel hopeful. A few weeks after my D & C I kept giving myself deadlines for when I had to get out of my funk and act 'normal'. My deadlines kept getting pushed back and it just felt like I'd never return to my old self. But, slowly but surely, things got better. My heart is healing and it has a lot to do with the people I am blessed to have in my life. There is not a moment that I am not eternally grateful for my husband. He drives me crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way! My kids are my heart, my soul, my everything. My family & friends have been there for me at my lowest moments. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts, prayers and acts of service.

My friend posted this quote by Marilyn Monroe today, "She was a girl who knew how to be happy even when she was sad. And that's important".

 

I agree. That is important.

Our Heartbreak

Today, I would have been 13 weeks pregnant. I found out I was pregnant when I was 5 weeks along. I was very sick right away and had every pregnancy symptom right away. I thought, "wow, this baby is strong". My hormones were all over the place. I made it through the tired, sick and just plain horrible feelings until about 9 weeks. And then, I felt A LOT better. I felt so lucky that my morning sickness had gone away so early.

Around 11 weeks I went in to my doctor for an intake appointment. I had very light spotting the day before. They tried to find my baby's heartbeat with a doppler with no luck. The nurse assured me that the doppler can pick up heartbeats between 12-14 weeks so it was probably too early. She scheduled an ultrasound for the next day. I guess, in my heart, I knew then.

The next day I was a complete wreck. One of my best friends, Marye, came over and I told her I thought my baby was gone. We talked about every scenario possible and I hoped and prayed I was just being a nervous mom. The ultrasound tech found my baby right away. There my baby was! right on the screen. She measured the baby and it was measuring at 9 weeks...two weeks less than I was.

I was hopeful. I saw my baby. It looked perfect. I watched as the ultrasound tech tried in vain to find a heartbeat. But, my baby had no heartbeat. She said nothing, but I knew and completely broke down. She walked me to see my doctor and the emptiness and sadness I felt is indescribable. I was stunned, shocked, heartbroken and shattered.

My doctor assured me I did nothing wrong and sometimes this happens, it's very common you know. I had to decide whether I wait to let my baby pass naturally or have an outpatient surgery to remove the baby. I decided to wait. I waited a week and nothing happened, so I had the surgery.

It's been 3 days since my surgery. I'm feeling physically a lot better. But, the emotional pain is so strong. In the past week I've barely gone anywhere. It's so hard to describe how I feel. I guess heartbreak would be accurate. My heart has been broken into a million pieces. I haven't gone a day without crying and sometimes it feels like this hurt will never go away. But, I HAVE to believe there is a silver lining...

The love and support I have felt during this time is extraordinary.  My husband has held me when I cried, changed diapers, watched the kids and has been my rock. My family has stayed by my side endlessly. My friends have dropped by goodies, made meals, listened to me cry and have truly been there for me.

I have fortunately still been able to teach preschool and those little souls have kept me going. Their hugs, laughs and sweet spirits have lifted me in away I didn't think possible. Lucy and Eli loved me even when I felt unlovable. They are my heart and I'm thankful every second for them.

I know we will have more kids. I know I'll be O.K. But, I'm hoping for a day that the pain will lessen just a little bit. Today during preschool, we were talking about siblings. Most of the kiddos had younger siblings. One little guy's mom is pregnant, we talked about his mommy having a baby in her tummy.

Lucy said, "Mommy, you don't have a baby in your tummy anymore, our baby had to go back to live with Jesus."

My heart shattered, but it was also proud of her. We told her that one time after it happened, it amazed me that she remembered and somewhat understood what we were telling her.

I know that it will get easier for me and I know that with the help of my kids, husband, family and friends...my heart will heal. Until then, I will live for my family and with faith knowing my Heavenly Father has a plan for me.

New Family Pictures

Thank you Deb!

Scott's 30+1

 Scott doesn't get as excited about his birthday as I do, that is a fact. I LOVE my birthday. Like REALLY love it. I love getting gifts, waited on, having special dinners out, I mean...the works. I have thrown Scott many parties and I finally realized he's not that into his birthday. So, for his 31st birthday we laid low. I made one of his favorite dinners, plus dessert and a few gifts. I think I nailed it.

Eli REALLY enjoyed the ice-cream pie!

Summer Lovin'...Part 2

 We've had such a fun summer, so sad it's over. We loved playing in the water, hiking (yep, even me), and hanging out with friends & family. Adios summer.....until we meet again.

We loved having Dad & Lei visit a ton this summer!

We LOVED hanging with the Eby's this summer and they just moved from our neighborhood. Not going to lie...I'm pretty devastated, but I know we'll still see them. They just won't be four doors down anymore...=(

This guy loved playing in the rocks.

Carts with steering wheels are a MUST.

Love my water baby, she has no fear

This little turkey stole my phone and tried to hide...I'm in for it!

Eli was fine in the front pack as long as he had a rock in hand at all times.



Black Ridge Reservoir, the closest thing to a beach in Utah! We had SO much fun!

So lucky to have such awesome neighbors!

I even got to visit with this lady....she was visiting all the way from Erie, PA

The children's discovery museum was so much fun!

Nothing better than playing in the sand!